Chronic illness can be hard to talk about. It’s exhausting reliving the pain in my mind. I debated posting the story of the beginning. It was five years ago this week. Whew. Praise God for His mercy. God is faithful. He is good no matter what happens. He can do whatever he pleases, it is only my job to accept what he’s given me and use it to point others to Him. Courage. Courage is what I pray for.
Chronic Illness: The Beginning
Our dog had peed all over the floor. A random way to start the story, right? But I remember it clearly because there was a trail throughout the entire living room. I grabbed a rag and started mopping the mess up making sure that my four kids weren’t stepping in it. I scrubbed and worked, and I remember clearly how much my body protested. The way the fatigue washed over my entire being and reached to what felt like my soul should have been a clue. I didn’t know it then, but the “valley of the shadow of death” had found me. I’m glad I didn’t know. But gradually, my body began to tell me. I’d finally gotten it. The dreaded virus of 2020.
The Trigger
That crazy “virus of 2020” triggered an apocalyptic event inside of me. Since that day, November 22, 2020, I have never been the same. At first, I thought it would pass. I’d get through it. But after a month in bed, I knew it wasn’t going to pass. It was getting worse. I finally made an appointment to see the doctor.
Symptoms of My Chronic Illness
The best way I know how to describe my symptoms is this: I couldn’t live. The fatigue. It’s hard to explain. It’s an ache that filled me up and emptied me of any ability to think, move, or even be. I wanted to die. I wanted the pain to stop. My lungs ached, my brain was on fire. Any exertion and it would send me into a fog that made it impossible for me to finish my sentences. Unexplainable tremors. Dizziness. Insomnia. Accelerated heart rate. It was always there, never leaving me, my constant leach. Bed didn’t cure me, but it was all I had the ability to do. To lay there, hoping and praying for a cure that wasn’t coming.
Treatments & Tests for My Chronic Illness
For the sake of time, I’m not going to explain every treatment or test I had done. It would take up too much space here. The tests were numerous. Some tests I remember are a thyroid panel , a blood test for chronic ebv, mineral deficiency test, and a Lyme test. I had an ultrasound done on my heart and my thyroid. Treatments included ozone therapy, nutritional therapy, and a ton of supplements, and steroids. I tried herbs and acupuncture, too. But the tests all came back normal. I wasn’t sick-except I was. The treatments made little to no improvement; nothing gave me the ability to live my life again.
The Tipping Point
After ten months of illness, I realized that it was up to me to get better. I went to my doctor and asked her to consider chronic EBV even though the tests came back normal. There was an anti viral supplement protocol I wanted to try. She shook her head at me and said, “You need to stop asking questions, and just do what I say.” That was the last time I went to see her. Instead, on a lot of faith and desperate prayers, I took the leap and decided to go through the anti viral supplement protocol by myself. The first three days I felt worse, but that fourth day something happened. It was a tipping point. I felt better. And finally, I wasn’t bed bound.
Unfortunately, the anti-viral protocol helped, but it didn’t cure me. I was stuck in my house unable to exert myself. If I did, I’d end up in bed in excruciating pain. By November, I had almost given up. I didn’t know where to turn or what to do next. It had been a year. That’s when, on a whim and a last ditch effort, I talked to my cousin who had Lyme. Her advise was simple, “Just try the next thing, Rachel.” Then she gave me a specific supplement to try. She said, “It sounds just like Lyme to me.”
So, I tried the supplement. More pain. I’d end up in bed. Then I’d feel better. Up and down-but never straight up. Eventually, I was able to leave the house. And I thought I was cured. Boy, was I wrong.
Relapse
My body is not responding to the supplements the same way anymore. It’s almost as if whatever is wrong with me is getting smarter. Is that a thing? The fatigue is still there, but I’m able to keep myself “above water”. I know the illness is there. Lurking. Waiting for the opportunity to take over. (sigh) I’m thankful I can live, but I can’t push myself too hard because of the pain.
The Future With Chronic Illness
By the spring, I’m planning on beginning Bee Venom Therapy. Beyond that, I don’t know. I’ve learned to accept the suffering that God has given me. Some days are easier than others. But I hope and pray that one day on earth I will be completely healed. But if not, I choose courage. I choose to accept whatever God has for me. To face the darkness knowing that He’ll never leave me. Who am I to think that God owes me anything at all? He doesn’t, you know? I deserve no explanation. He is God; and that is enough.
